Sunday, November 27, 2011

THANK YOU

ENG.
American flag with "merci", the French word for "thanks", written on it, planted in front of a cross in the Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial
Gratitude, thankfulness, gratefulness, or appreciation is a feeling, emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive. The experience of gratitude has historically been a focus of several world religions,[1] and has been considered extensively by moral philosophers such as Adam Smith.[2] The systematic study of gratitude within psychology only began around the year 2000, possibly because psychology has traditionally been focused more on understanding distress rather than understanding positive emotions. However, with the advent of the positive psychology movement,[3] gratitude has become a mainstream focus of psychological research.[4] The study of gratitude within psychology has focused on the understanding of the short term experience of the emotion of gratitude (state gratitude), individual differences in how frequently people feel gratitude (trait gratitude), and the relationship between these two aspects.[5][6]
Gratitude is not the same as indebtedness. While both emotions occur following help, indebtedness occurs when a person perceives that they are under an obligation to make some repayment of compensation for the aid.[7] The emotions lead to different actions; indebtedness can motivate the recipient of the aid to avoid the person who has helped them, whereas gratitude can motivate the recipient to seek out their benefactor and to improve their relationship with them.[8][9]
[edit] As a motivator of behavior
Gratitude may also serve to reinforce future prosocial behavior in benefactors. For example, one experiment found that customers of a jewelry store who were called and thanked showed a subsequent 70% increase in purchases. In comparison, customers who were thanked and told about a sale showed only a 30% increase in purchases, and customers who were not called at all did not show an increase.[10] In another study, regular patrons of a restaurant gave bigger tips when servers wrote “Thank you” on their checks.[11]
The link between spirituality and gratitude has recently become a popular subject of study. While these two characteristics are certainly not dependant on each other, studies have found that spirituality is capable of enhancing a person’s ability to be grateful and therefore, those who regularly attend religious services or engage in religious activities are more likely to have a greater sense of gratitude in all areas of life.[12][13] Gratitude is viewed as a prized human propensity in the Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, and Hindu traditions.[14] Worship with gratitude to God is a common theme in such religions and therefore, the concept of gratitude permeates religious texts, teachings, and traditions. For this reason, it is one of the most common emotions that religions aim to provoke and maintain in followers and is regarded as a universal religious sentiment [15]
[edit] Jewish conceptions
In Judaism, gratitude is an essential part of the act of worship and a part of every aspect of a worshiper’s life. According to the Hebrew worldview, all things come from God and because of this, gratitude is extremely important to the followers of Judaism. The Hebrew Scriptures are filled with the idea of gratitude. Two examples included in the psalms are “O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever,” and “I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart” (Ps. 30:12; Ps. 9:1). The Jewish prayers also often incorporate gratitude beginning with the Shema, where the worshiper states that out of gratitude, “You shall love the Eternal, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might” (Deut. 6:5). The concluding prayer, the Alenu, also speaks of gratitude by thanking God for the particular destiny of the Jewish people. Along with these prayers, faithful worshipers recite more than one hundred blessings called berakhots throughout the day.[14]
[edit] Christian conceptions

New Orleans: Thank you message in the grotto of Our Lady of Guadalupe Church; added by those for whom prayer or miracles were granted
Gratitude has been said to mold and shape the entire Christian life. Martin Luther referred to gratitude as “The basic Christian attitude” and today it is still referred to as “the heart of the gospel.”[15] As each Christian believes they were created by a personal God, Christians are strongly encouraged to praise and give gratitude to their creator. In Christian gratitude, God is seen as the selfless giver of all good things and because of this, there is a great sense of indebtedness that enables Christians to share a common bond, shaping all aspects of a follower’s life. Gratitude in Christianity is an acknowledgment of God’s generosity that inspires Christians to shape their own thoughts and actions around such ideals.[16] Instead of simply a sentimental feeling, Christian gratitude is regarded as a virtue that shapes not only emotions and thoughts but actions and deeds as well.[15] According to Jonathan Edwards (theologian), in his A Treatise Concerning Religious Affections Love, Gratitude, and thankfulness toward God are among the signs of true religion. Because of this interpretation, modern measures of religious spirituality include assessments of thankfulness and gratitude towards God. Allport (1950) suggested that mature religious intentions come from feelings of profound gratitude and Edwards (1746/1959) claimed that the “affection” of gratitude is one of the most accurate ways of finding the presence of God in a person’s life. In a study done by Samuels and Lester (1985) it was contended that in a small sample of Catholic nuns and priests, out of 50 emotions, love and gratitude were the most experienced emotion towards God.[14]
[edit] Islamic conceptions
The Islamic book, The Quran, is filled with the idea of gratitude. Islam encourages its followers to be grateful and express thanks to God in all circumstances. Islamic teaching emphasizes the idea that those who are grateful will be rewarded with great pleasures. A traditional Islamic saying states that, “The first who will be summoned to paradise are those who have praised God in every circumstance”[17] In the Quran it is also stated in Sura 14 that those who are grateful will be given more pleasures by God. The prophet Mohammad also said, “Gratitude for the abundance you have received is the best insurance that the abundance will continue.” Many practices of the Islamic faith also encourage gratitude. The Pillar of Islam calling for daily prayer encourages believers to pray to God five times a day in order to thank him for his goodness. The pillar of fasting during the month of Ramadan is for the purpose of putting the believer in a state of gratitude.[14]
[edit] Individual differences
Much of the recent work psychological research into gratitude has focused on the nature of individual difference in gratitude, and the consequences of being a more or less grateful person.[4] Three scales have been developed to measure individual differences in gratitude, each of which assesses somewhat different conceptions.[18] The GQ6[19] measures individual differences in how frequently and intensely people feel gratitude. The Appreciation Scale[20] measures 8 different aspects of gratitude: appreciation of people, possessions, the present moment, rituals, feeling of awe, social comparisons, existential concerns, and behaviour which expresses gratitude. The GRAT[21] assesses gratitude towards other people, gratitude towards the world in general, and a lack of resentment for what you do not have. A recent study showed that each of these scales are actually all measuring the same way of approaching life; this suggests that individual differences in gratitude include all of these components.[18]
[edit] Empirical findings
[edit] Association with well-being
A large body of recent work has suggested that people who are more grateful have higher levels of well-being. Grateful people are happier, less depressed, less stressed, and more satisfied with their lives and social relationships[19][22][23] Grateful people also have higher levels of control of their environments, personal growth, purpose in life, and self acceptance.[24] Grateful people have more positive ways of coping with the difficulties they experience in life, being more likely to seek support from other people, reinterpreted and grow from the experience, and spend more time planning how to deal with the problem.[25] Grateful people also have less negative coping strategies, being less likely to try to avoid the problem, deny there is a problem, blame themselves, or cope through substance use.[25] Grateful people sleep better, and this seems to be because they think less negative and more positive thoughts just before going to sleep.[26]
Gratitude has been said to have one of the strongest links with mental health of any character trait. Numerous studies suggest that grateful people are more likely to have higher levels of happiness and lower levels of stress and depression.[27][28] In one study concerning gratitude, participants were randomly assigned to one of six therapeutic intervention conditions designed to improve the participant’s overall quality of life (Seligman et. all., 2005).[29] Out of these conditions, it was found that the biggest short-term effects came from a “gratitude visit” where participants wrote and delivered a letter of gratitude to someone in their life. This condition showed a rise in happiness scores by 10 percent and a significant fall in depression scores, results which lasted up to one month after the visit. Out of the six conditions, the longest lasting effects were caused by the act of writing “gratitude journals” where participants were asked to write down three things they were grateful for every day. These participants’ happiness scores also increased and continued to increase each time they were tested periodically after the experiment. In fact, the greatest benefits were usually found to occur around six months after treatment began. This exercise was so successful that although participants were only asked to continue the journal for a week, many participants continued to keep the journal long after the study was over. Similar results have been found from studies conducted by Emmons and McCullough (2003)[12] and Lyubomirsky et. all. (2005).[28]
While many emotions and personality traits are important to well-being, there is evidence that gratitude may be uniquely important. First, a longitudinal study showed that people who were more grateful coped better with a life transition. Specifically, people who were more grateful before the transition were less stressed, less depressed, and more satisfied with their relationships three months later.[30] Second, two recent studies have suggested that gratitude may have a unique relationship with well-being, and can explain aspects of well-being that other personality traits cannot. Both studies showed that gratitude was able to explain more well-being than the Big Five and 30 of the most commonly studied personality traits.[22][24]
[edit] Relationship to altruism
Gratitude has also been shown to improve a person’s altruistic tendencies. One study conducted by David DeSteno and Monica Bartlett (2010) found that gratitude is correlated with economic generosity. In this study, using an economic game, increased gratitude was shown to directly mediate increased monetary giving. From these results, this study shows that gracious people are more likely to sacrifice individual gains for communal profit (DeSteno & Bartlett, 2010). A Study conducted by McCullough, Emmons, & Tsang, (2002) found similar correlations between gratitude and empathy, generosity, and helpfulness.[31][32]
[edit] Psychological interventions
Given that gratitude appears to be a strong determinant of people's well-being, several psychological interventions have been developed to increase gratitude.[4][33] For example, Watkins and colleagues[34] had participants test a number of different gratitude exercises, such as thinking about a living person for whom they were grateful, writing about someone for whom they were grateful, and writing a letter to deliver to someone for whom they were grateful. Participants in the control condition were asked to describe their living room. Participants who engaged in a gratitude exercise showed increases in their experiences of positive emotion immediately after the exercise, and this effect was strongest for participants who were asked to think about a person for whom they were grateful. Participants who had grateful personalities to begin with showed the greatest benefit from these gratitude exercises. See also gratitude journal.
According to Cicero, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others.” Multiple studies have shown the correlation between gratitude and increased wellbeing not only for the individual but for all people involved.[27][35] The positive psychology movement has embraced these studies and in an effort to increase overall wellbeing, has begun to make an effort to incorporate exercises to increase gratitude into the movement. Although in the past gratitude has been neglected by psychology, in recent years much progress has been made in studying gratitude and its positive effects.
ESP.
Bandera de Estados Unidos con "merci", la palabra francesa para "gracias", escrito en él, plantó delante de una cruz en el cementerio de Normandía Latina y MemorialLa gratitud, el agradecimiento, agradecimiento o reconocimiento es un sentimiento, emoción o actitud de reconocimiento de un beneficio que se ha recibido o recibirá. La experiencia de la gratitud ha sido históricamente un foco de varias religiones del mundo, [1] y ha sido considerado ampliamente por los filósofos morales, como Adam Smith. [2] El estudio sistemático de reconocimiento dentro de la psicología sólo comenzó alrededor del año 2000, posiblemente debido a la psicología Tradicionalmente se ha centrado más en la comprensión de angustia en lugar de entender las emociones positivas. Sin embargo, con el advenimiento del movimiento de psicología positiva [3], la gratitud se ha convertido en un foco convencional de la investigación psicológica. [4] El estudio de la gratitud dentro de la psicología se ha centrado en la comprensión de la experiencia a corto plazo de la emoción de la gratitud (estado gratitud), las diferencias individuales en la frecuencia con la gente se siente gratitud (la gratitud rasgo), y la relación entre estos dos aspectos. [5] [6]La gratitud no es el mismo que el endeudamiento. Aunque ambas emociones se producen después de ayudar, el endeudamiento se produce cuando una persona percibe que están en la obligación de hacer algunos pagos de compensación por la ayuda [7] Las emociones conducen a diferentes acciones;. Deuda puede motivar a los receptores de la ayuda para evitar la persona que les ha ayudado, mientras que la gratitud puede motivar al receptor a buscar a su benefactor y mejorar su relación con ellos. [8] [9][Editar] Como motivación de la conductaLa gratitud también puede servir para reforzar la conducta prosocial en el futuro benefactores. Por ejemplo, un experimento encontró que los clientes de una tienda de joyas que fueron llamados y agradeció mostró un aumento posterior del 70% en las compras. En comparación, los clientes que se agradeció y le dijo acerca de una venta sólo mostró un incremento del 30% en las compras, y los clientes que no fueron llamados a todos los no muestran un aumento. [10] En otro estudio, los clientes habituales del restaurante dio grandes consejos cuando los servidores escribió "Gracias" en sus cheques. [11][Editar] Principales enfoques teóricosEl vínculo entre la espiritualidad y la gratitud se ha convertido recientemente en un tema popular de estudio. Si bien estas dos características no son ciertamente dependen unos de otros, los estudios han encontrado que la espiritualidad es capaz de mejorar la capacidad de una persona para estar agradecidos y por lo tanto, aquellos que asisten regularmente a servicios religiosos o participar en actividades religiosas son más propensos a tener un mayor sentido de gratitud en todos los ámbitos de la vida. [12] [13] La gratitud es visto como una tendencia apreciada humanos en las tradiciones cristianas, budistas, musulmanes, judíos e hindúes. [14] Culto de gratitud a Dios es un tema común en las religiones como y por lo tanto, el concepto de gratitud impregna los textos religiosos, las enseñanzas y tradiciones. Por esta razón, es una de las emociones más comunes que las religiones aspiran a provocar y mantener en sus seguidores y se considera como un sentimiento religioso universal [15][Editar] concepciones judíasEn el judaísmo, la gratitud es una parte esencial del acto de adoración y una parte de todos los aspectos de la vida de un adorador. De acuerdo con la visión del mundo hebreo, todas las cosas vienen de Dios y debido a esto, la gratitud es extremadamente importante para los seguidores del judaísmo. Las Escrituras hebreas se llenan con la idea de la gratitud. Dos ejemplos que se incluyen en los salmos son "Señor, Dios mío, voy a dar gracias a ti para siempre", y "Voy a dar gracias al Señor con todo mi corazón" (Sal. 30:12;. Salmo 9:1). Las plegarias judías también suelen incorporar principios gratitud con el Shemá, donde los estados adorador que por gratitud, "Amarás al Eterno, tu Dios, con todo tu corazón, con toda tu alma y con todas tus fuerzas" (Deuteronomio 6:5). La oración conclusiva, el Alenu, también habla de la gratitud agradeciendo a Dios por el destino particular del pueblo judío. Junto con estas oraciones, fieles adoradores recitar más de cien bendiciones llamado berakhots durante todo el día. [14][Editar] concepciones cristianas

Nueva Orleans: Mensaje de agradecimiento en la gruta de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe, agregó por aquellos para quienes la oración o milagros fueron concedidosLa gratitud se ha dicho para moldear y dar forma toda la vida cristiana. Martín Lutero se refirió a la gratitud como "La actitud básica cristiana" y hoy en día todavía se refiere como "el corazón del Evangelio". [15] A medida que cada cristiano cree que fueron creados por un Dios personal, los cristianos se recomienda a los elogios y dar gracias a su creador. En gratitud cristiana, Dios es visto como el dador generoso de todas las cosas buenas y debido a esto, hay un gran sentido de endeudamiento que permite a los cristianos comparten un vínculo común, la configuración de todos los aspectos de la vida de un seguidor. Gratitud en el cristianismo es un reconocimiento de la generosidad de Dios que inspira a los cristianos a dar forma a sus propios pensamientos y acciones en torno a esos ideales. [16] En lugar de simplemente una sensación sentimental, la gratitud cristiana es considerada como una virtud que da forma a las emociones no sólo y pensamientos, pero las acciones y hechos también. [15] De acuerdo con Jonathan Edwards (teólogo), en su Tratado sobre una Afectos Religiosos amor, gratitud y agradecimiento a Dios están entre los signos de la verdadera religión. Debido a esta interpretación, las medidas modernas de espiritualidad religiosa incluir evaluaciones de agradecimiento y gratitud hacia Dios. Allport (1950) sugiere que maduran las intenciones religiosas provienen de los sentimientos de profunda gratitud y Edwards (1746 / 1959) afirmó que el "afecto" de la gratitud es una de las maneras más precisas de encontrar la presencia de Dios en la vida de una persona. En un estudio realizado por Samuels y Lester (1985) se afirmó que en una pequeña muestra de las monjas y sacerdotes católicos, de 50 emociones, amor y gratitud fueron las emociones más experiencia con Dios. [14][Editar] concepciones islámicasEl libro islámico, el Corán, está lleno de la idea de la gratitud. El Islam alienta a sus seguidores a ser más sincero agradecimiento y expresar a Dios en todas las circunstancias. La enseñanza islámica insiste en la idea de que quienes estamos muy agradecidos serán recompensados ​​con grandes placeres. Un tradicional estados islámicos diciendo que: "El primero que se convocó al paraíso son los que han alabado a Dios en todas las circunstancias" [17] En el Corán también se afirma en la Sura 14, que los que son agradecidos, se le dará placer por Dios. El profeta Mahoma también dijo: "La gratitud por la abundancia que ha recibido es la mejor garantía de que la abundancia va a continuar." Muchas de las prácticas de la fe islámica también fomentar la gratitud. El pilar del Islam, llamando a la oración diaria anima a los creyentes a orar a Dios cinco veces al día con el fin de darle las gracias por su bondad. El pilar del ayuno durante el mes de Ramadán es con el propósito de poner al creyente en un estado de gratitud. [14][Editar] Las diferencias individualesMucha de la investigación psicológica en el trabajo reciente se ha centrado en la gratitud a la naturaleza de las diferencias individuales en la gratitud, y las consecuencias de ser una persona más o menos agradecidos. [4] Tres escalas se han desarrollado para medir las diferencias individuales en la gratitud, cada uno de ellos evalúa las concepciones un tanto diferente. [18] El GQ6 [19] las medidas de las diferencias individuales en la frecuencia e intensidad la gente se siente gratitud. La escala de apreciación [20] mide 8 aspectos diferentes de la gratitud: la valoración de las personas, los bienes, el momento presente, los ritos, el sentimiento de asombro, las comparaciones sociales, las preocupaciones existenciales y el comportamiento que expresa su gratitud. El grande [21] evalúa gratitud hacia los demás, la gratitud hacia el mundo en general, y la falta de resentimiento por lo que no tienen. Un estudio reciente mostró que cada una de estas escalas son en realidad todos los de medición de la misma manera de acercarse a la vida,. Esto sugiere que las diferencias individuales en la gratitud incluir todos estos componentes [18][Editar] Los hallazgos empíricos[Editar] Asociación con el bienestarUna gran cantidad de trabajos recientes han sugerido que las personas que son más agradecidos con mayores niveles de bienestar. Las personas agradecidas son más felices, menos deprimidos, menos estresados ​​y más satisfechos con sus vidas y las relaciones sociales [19] [22] [23] Las personas agradecidas también tienen mayores niveles de control de su medio ambiente, crecimiento personal, propósito en la vida, y auto aceptación. [24] Las personas agradecidas tienen formas más positivas de lidiar con las dificultades que experimentan en la vida, siendo más propensos a buscar ayuda de otras personas, reinterpretados y aprender de la experiencia, y dedicar más tiempo a la planificación de cómo lidiar con el problema. [25] Las personas agradecidas también tienen estrategias de afrontamiento menos negativo, es menos probable que trate de evitar el problema, niegan que exista un problema, culpan a sí mismos, o hacer frente a través del uso de sustancias. [25] Las personas agradecidas dormir mejor, y esto parece ser porque pensar en cosas menos negativo y más positivo justo antes de irse a dormir. [26]La gratitud se ha dicho que uno de los más fuertes vínculos con la salud mental de cualquier rasgo de carácter. Numerosos estudios sugieren que las personas agradecidas son más propensos a tener niveles más altos de felicidad y menores niveles de estrés y la depresión. [27] [28] En un estudio sobre la gratitud, los participantes fueron asignados aleatoriamente a una de las seis condiciones de la intervención terapéutica diseñada para mejorar la la calidad general de los participantes de la vida (Seligman et. todos., 2005). [29] Fuera de estas condiciones, se encontró que el mayor efectos a corto plazo proviene de una "visita de gratitud", donde los participantes escribieron y entregaron una carta de agradecimiento a alguien en su vida. Esta condición se demostró un aumento en las puntuaciones de felicidad en un 10 por ciento y una caída significativa en las puntuaciones de depresión, los resultados que ha durado hasta un mes después de la visita. De las seis condiciones, la más larga efectos a largo plazo fueron causados ​​por el acto de escribir "diarios de gratitud", donde los participantes se les pidió que anote tres cosas que estaban agradecidos por todos los días. Estas puntuaciones de los participantes la felicidad también se incrementó y continuó aumentando cada vez que se realicen exámenes periódicos después del experimento. De hecho, los mayores beneficios se encuentran por lo general a ocurrir alrededor de seis meses después de comenzar el tratamiento. Este ejercicio tuvo tanto éxito que, aunque los participantes sólo se les pidió continuar con el diario durante una semana, muchos de los participantes continuaron guardando la revista mucho tiempo después del estudio había terminado. Resultados similares se han encontrado en estudios realizados por Emmons y McCullough (2003) [12] y Lyubomirsky et. todos. (2005). [28]Aunque muchas emociones y rasgos de personalidad son importantes para el bienestar, hay evidencia de que la gratitud puede ser de una importancia excepcional. En primer lugar, un estudio longitudinal mostraron que las personas que estaban más agradecidos pudieron enfrentar mejor una transición de vida. En concreto, las personas que más agradecido antes de la transición estaban menos estresados, menos deprimidos y más satisfechos con sus relaciones de tres meses. [30] En segundo lugar, dos estudios recientes han sugerido que la gratitud puede tener una relación única con el bienestar, y puede explicar los aspectos de bienestar que otros rasgos de personalidad no se puede. Ambos estudios mostraron que la gratitud era capaz de explicar más el bienestar de los Cinco Grandes y 30 de los rasgos de personalidad más estudiado. [22] [24][Editar] Relación con el altruismoLa gratitud también se ha demostrado para mejorar las tendencias de una persona altruista. Un estudio realizado por David DeSteno y Monica Bartlett (2010) encontró que la gratitud se relaciona con la generosidad económica. En este estudio, utilizando un juego económico, aumento de la gratitud se mostró para mediar directamente monetaria aumentó dar. A partir de estos resultados, este estudio muestra que las personas amables son más propensos a sacrificar las ganancias individuales para el beneficio común (DeSteno & Bartlett, 2010). Un estudio realizado por McCullough, Emmons, y Tsang, (2002) encontraron correlaciones similares entre la gratitud y la empatía, la generosidad y amabilidad. [31] [32][Editar] Las intervenciones psicológicasTeniendo en cuenta que la gratitud parece ser un factor determinante de la gente el bienestar, varias intervenciones psicológicas se han desarrollado para aumentar la gratitud. [4] [33] Por ejemplo, Watkins y sus colegas [34] había participantes ponen a prueba una serie de ejercicios de gratitud diferentes, como pensar en una persona viva para quienes se mostraron agradecidos, al escribir sobre alguien a quien se agradece, y escribir una carta para entregar a alguien a quien se agradece. Los participantes en la condición de control, se pidió a la sala de estar. Los participantes que se involucraron en un ejercicio de gratitud mostraron aumentos en sus experiencias de emoción positiva inmediatamente después del ejercicio, y este efecto fue más fuerte para los participantes que se les pidió pensar en una persona para la que se agradece. Los participantes que tenían personalidades agradecido en primer lugar mostró el mayor beneficio de estos ejercicios de gratitud. Véase también el diario de gratitud.[Editar] ConclusionesSegún Cicerón, "La gratitud no es sólo el más grande de las virtudes, sino el padre de todos los demás." Múltiples estudios han demostrado la correlación entre la gratitud y el aumento de bienestar no sólo para el individuo, sino para todas las personas involucradas. [27] [35] El movimiento de la psicología positiva ha adoptado estos estudios y en un esfuerzo por aumentar el bienestar general, ha comenzado a hacer un esfuerzo para incorporar ejercicios para aumentar la gratitud en el movimiento. Aunque en el pasado, la gratitud ha sido descuidado por la psicología, en los últimos años se ha avanzado mucho hecho en el estudio de la gratitud y sus efectos positivos.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

World Youth Day 2011, SPain


This was my first world youth meeting I attended. It was a moment of grace, a time in which I believed that we can attend unity among us in this world. It remains one of the greatest experiences I have had as a person. It made me start to also work towards building a world where unity, peace, respect and joy will be seen. It was living the word of Christ, this love which unitys us all christians.

one single story!!!


This is a nice speech, I love it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hey!!!

' I may not change the world but I'm sure to spark the mind that will ' ~ Tupac Shakur




"7 Keys to Listening That Will Win You Friends, Improve Your Marriage, Boost Your Profits, And Make People Want To Follow You Anywhere!"

vine graphic
Dear Friend:
In this Special Report, I've chosen the topic of "listening" to explore with you.
I know you may have heard a great deal about listening already. Psychologists, therapists, and other communication experts constantly talk about the positive benefits of being a good listener. And you know what...
They're all right!
Being a great listener can win you friends, improve your marriage, boost your business profits or advance your career. It can make people feel so good about being with you that they'll literally follow you anywhere.
As a physician and stress counsellor, I've got to listen to people every day. If I don't this well, I might make a wrong diagnosis, miss some important fact, or make people feel that I'm not really interested in their welfare.
And when I get home, I've got to listen even more. I've got to listen to my wife, which I must admit I don't always do expertly. I've got to listen to my daughter and to anyone else who might call or drop by.
Whew! That's a lot of listening. You'd think that with all the practice we get, and with all the attention this skill has received, we'd all be pretty good at it. But you know what? Most of us aren't. We're not very good listeners much of the time. It's not because we're lazy, or stupid, or uncommitted, or anything like that. It's just that we all have trouble with listening because.....
Listening...is not a simple skill!
Contrary to what you may have been lead to believe, listening is an incredibly complex skill to master. There's so much going on that doesn't meet the eye, that it's silly to even try to cover the subject in just a few short pages.
So, even though our marriages and friendships depend very heavily upon good listening skills, and even though our customers, clients, and co-workers demand this from us constantly, most advice we receive about improving our listening isn't all that helpful. That's because most advice focuses on technical aspects of listening, such as giving feedback, making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and not interrupting others while others are speaking.
These techniques are all fine and good....but they don't really get to the heart and soul of listening. And they don't usually empower us to become better listeners.
7 Keys To Better Listening
The purpose of this report is to focus on 7 key aspects of listening that deserve closer attention. While I can't promise that understanding these keys will always make you successful, I can tell you that ignoring them or not paying attention to them will definitely lead to trouble.
So here we go...
KEY #1 Listening is not a passive activity!
Listening is anything but a passive, neutral activity. While it may appear that this is all that's going on, many active processes are taking place within the listener--if they're listening well, that is.
You see, listening is not just hearing the words people utter. If that's all there was to it, we could train computers to do the job.
But listening to human beings involves much, much more (which computers will never do). It involves not just accurately hearing what people say, but getting a sense of who they are, how they view life, what they want to accomplish, what concerns they have, what they're afraid of, how they're feeling, what they want from you, and more. It even involves "listening" to what people aren't directly saying, or what they might be too reluctant to say, or what they definitely don't want you to do in response to their communications. Show me a computer that can do all that!
Thus, in order to become a very good listener, we can't just stop with hearing the words people say. We've got to attend to many other details and many other dimensions that don't meet the eye, but that are crucial nonetheless. (This is why it's so difficult to recognize what good listeners do that makes them successful--it's all going on invisibly inside their heads and the rest of their body.)
KEY #2 Listen for unspoken fears/concerns/moods/aspirations
When people speak, they always reveal their deepest thoughts, ambitions, and concerns. Most of the time, neither the speaker, nor the listener, pick up on these subtle, underlying issues...but they are always there.
Good listeners, on the other hand, frequently attend to these background, unspoken emotions and concerns. And when they "hear" them and empathize with them (either verbally or nonverbally) the speaker often remarks "Boy, you really know how I feel" or "Gee, you really understand exactly what's going on with me."
Here are a few examples to illustrate this important point:
EXAMPLE #1: A young father with a new son makes an appointment to see me (as a doctor) and asks me to refer him to a support group. He wants to resolve some lingering personal issues relating to abuse that he experienced through much of his childhood.
As I listen to his request, which on the surface seems straight forward, I also "hear" other things in the background. In addition to his words, I "hear" unspoken concerns..."Am I going to do the same to my child?"..."What can I do to keep from damaging him?"
Did I listen correctly? In this case I did. Once I gently put words to his deepest fears and concerns, his body relaxed and he acknowledged that he was secretly harboring these thoughts. EXAMPLE #2: Another person comes in to see me (as a stress counsellor) because she's feeling increasingly tense, irritable, and anxious on her job. She clearly relates to me numerous problems with her job. But as I listen to her carefully, I also "hear" the following unspoken concerns..."Am I going to lose control and embarrass myself in front of my co-workers?"..."Am I going to look incompetent or not as strong as my male counterparts?"... "Am I going to go home and start taking out my frustrations on my kids and my husband?"
And the amazing thing about human communication is that she never said any of these things! But a good listener can pick up on them, and most of the time they'll be interpreted correctly.
How do you know when you're right about such hunches? Sometimes you just know intuitively. Sometimes, you can tactfully check out your assumptions by probing with a compassionate question or two, or by restating your hunch for the speaker to confirm. Most of the time, however, your intuition will be right on. Which brings me to the next important key to good listening....
KEY #3 Good listening requires great wisdom
You can't be a good listener if you don't understand human beings. And I mean really understand human beings. How do you obtain this wisdom? I really don't know (it's probably part luck, part hard work and dedication, and part finding the right teachers or mentors). But you know what? When somebody's got it, you can tell in an instant.
Many psychiatrists, psychologists, and other mental health professionals gain this type of wisdom with many years of experience (although you'd be amazed how many never do). I've also found that radio talk show hosts and television interviewers often have an abundance of such wisdom, as do most successful novelists, playwrights, and other creative writers.
Thus, the wiser you become about life in general, the better a listener you invariably will be. No matter how many technical communication skills you master, if you don't have extensive wisdom about people, you won't come across as truly understanding them.
Speaking for myself (as if someone else could be speaking as I write this), I know that the more I've learned about human emotions, for example, the better I listen to and understand people when they're emotionally upset.
By the same token, the more I learn about my own self-worth and inner strengths, the more I can "see" and "hear" these same qualities in others.
That's why if you want to become a good listener, it's absolutely essential that you commit yourself to becoming a life-long student of human beings and human nature. Keep on learning and expanding your horizons. Read lots of books, both fiction and non-fiction. Listen to tapes. Attend various lectures, seminars, and workshops. No matter how much you know, or how smart you are, keep pushing yourself to learn even more. Because the more you know about life in general, the better a listener you will automatically become.
KEY #4 Listen to others with respect and validation
One of the biggest secrets to becoming an excellent listener is to take on the job of always finding something to respect and validate about what others are saying. This is a challenging purpose you can take on. But only 1 out of 100 realizes its importance and makes this a top priority.
Most of the time when we're listening to others, we look for faults or weaknesses in what the other person says. We often end up disagreeing (either vocally or silently) with the other person's opinions, feelings, attitudes, or points of views. But nobody likes to have others disagree with them. We all want people to agree with our points of view, or at least we want our thoughts and feelings to be respected and considered equally valid as anyone else's. Even if our opinions or attitudes are based on erroneous reasoning, we still want people to appreciate that our ideas and feelings have great personal meaning for us.
If you don't make people feel that you respect their points of view, they won't feel "understood" and will consider you a bad listener.
How do you develop this ability to listen with respect? Well, first you've got to realize that most people aren't going to think, feel, and reason just like we do. They're going to do things their own way, and they don't really care about what we think is right.
When I listen to others, I frequently have to force myself to remember this basic truth about life. I have to consciously choose to look for something meaningful and worthwhile in whatever someone is saying, no matter how blatantly wrong or insipid it may initially appear to me. And you know what? If you look hard enough for these hidden kernels of merit or validity in what others are saying, you will almost always find them lurking there somewhere.
It also helps to realize when you own style of thinking and reasoning is fundamentally different from the people you are interacting with. For example, parents often make the mistake of listening and communicating with their kids as if they were "little adults." But kids don't think, feel and reason like adults. Their thought processes and reasoning processes are very, very different. Kid's don't respond to the same types of motivators we do. They don't relate to future goals and payoffs as we do. And they don't always want to be educated or enlightened as we might value these opportunities. If you don't remind yourself of these essential differences-- which are very, very easy to forget--you won't be able to communicate with children successfully. (Next time you meet a first or second grade teacher at a party, take a few moments to talk with them about this subject--they live this stuff everyday!)
Another good example of this point is the frequent problems that arise when men and women communicate with each other as if both are (or should be) exactly the same. The truth about men and women, however, is that when it comes to communication styles and needs--they are very, very different. For example, men are brought up in our culture to listen in certain habitual ways. They listen to problems from the standpoint of identifying a verbalizing effective solutions. Women, on the other hand, also are interested in solutions, but they are much more prone to empathize with the speaker's internal feelings and to spend much more time "talking about" the problem before diving into solutions. This applies to sexual foreplay as well! (Remember, I warned you this newsletter was about getting people to follow you anywhere.)
This crucial difference between the speaking and listening styles of men and women has been the subject of several popular best selling books. The two best I've seen are "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen (William Morrow, 1990) and "Men Are From Mars...Women Are From Venus" by John Gray (Harper Collins, 1992). Both books say exactly the same things, but John Gray's book does it a little better and in a much more entertaining fashion.
If you haven't read "Men Are From Mars...Women Are From Venus" yet make sure you do. Believe me, you'll thank me many times over.
KEY #5 Listen without thinking about how you're going to respond
It's very hard to be a good listener--at any level--if you're not fully attending to what others are saying and feeling. Much of the time when people are speaking to us, our heads become filled with our own personal thoughts and agendas...thinking how we're going to respond...thinking negative thoughts about the other person...thinking how we would think or feel in a similar situation.
But to listen well, you must put these thoughts aside and "be with" the other person. You've got to fully attend to their words and inner emotions. You've got to actively work to "put yourself in their shoes" and you listen to them speak. And you've got to keep your mind open to discover the value or merit in whatever the other person says.
None of these things can be easily accomplished when you're listening to your own inner thoughts instead of focusing on the other person. You may not always be able to stop such thoughts from occurring, but you can learn to put them aside for the moment, and focus your attention elsewhere.
Here's an example of how powerful a principle this is. Several years ago, I helped lead a weekend communication seminar for a group of experienced physicians on staff at a well-known midwest hospital. One exercise we designed involved pairing up with a partner, where one person played the role of a patient with a problem, and the other person played the role of a physician/helper. The only catch was the helper wasn't allowed to say or do anything! Their job was to just sit there and listen, while the "patient" first described his/her complaints and then continued to talk as they attempted to work out a solution on their own. Now if you know anything about doctors, you know that just sitting there and listening--without thinking of what we need to do-- is very, very unusual for us.
Well, there was one physician in the audience who wasn't too happy about being in the seminar. His hospital department head was promoting attendance very aggressively, and he only showed up because he felt pressured to do so. During this one simple exercise, however, he experienced a major, major breakthrough. At the end of the exercise, when everyone was sharing their insights and experiences, he raised his hand and announced to the group "What I learned from this exercise was that I ALMOST NEVER LISTEN TO MY PATIENTS! I'm mostly paying attention to the thoughts in my own head, and I never fully appreciated this until today!"
Let me tell you, this guy was so enthused and excited that every time we had a 15-20 minute break in the seminar, he would rush upstairs (the course was held at the hospital) to practice listening to his patients. He would sit on their bed and ask a few questions and then listen intently to whatever they had to say. He was so "juiced" by this new found power, which he possessed all along, that he was consistently 10-15 minutes late for the start of the next session.
Listening without thinking is also a requirement for listening to people respectfully and keeping an open mind to the merit or value they bring to the interaction. You can't really listen to others respectfully when you attention is mostly on yourself.
This also includes not prejudging or pre-evaluating the value of what others are going to say. Many times, due to previous experiences, we begin listening to someone with the preconceived notion that we're not going to hear anything valuable or worthwhile. We close down our listening and merely pretend to be paying respectful attention.
For example, my daughter Tracie often senses when I'm about to launch into one of my fatherly detailed explanations of some particular life event. When she senses I'm going to do this, she immediately shuts off her listening. She has prejudged what's coming and has decided to view it negatively (unlike adults, children let you know when they aren't interested--they haven't yet mastered the social skill of feigning pretenses).
The point here is that we all lose contact and intimacy when we close our listening down. Whether it's because we're focused on our own thoughts and agendas, or whether we prejudged the value of the interaction, or what have you....in order to be a good listener, you must learn to put these common tendencies aside and focus your awareness on the potential value of what others have to say.
KEY #6 Listening for tell-tale signs of impending trouble
Another important secret to good listening is to train yourself to "listen" for clues of impending trouble or disaster. Unfortunately, most people won't come out and directly tell you if they are upset with you or if they have little or no intention to fulfill your expectations. They often are too embarrassed to tell you or they might want to avoid a direct confrontation. But they often will give you little tell-tale clues of their displeasure. Some will even believe that they are communicating with you directly, so when you fail to pick up on these clues, they will use this as further proof that you aren't really interested or that you don't really care.
This principle often comes up in our business and personal relationships. In business, we are always communicating with people who make us various promises. A salesperson highlights certain features of a product. A contractor promises to build something in a specified period of time. A co-worker is assigned a task and acts as if they've truly taken it on.
In personal relationships, our partners may drop subtle hints that we've done something wrong or that they are growing displeased with some aspects of the relationship. They might not come out and say this directly, but they will expect you to interpret their clues and take remedial action.
The more you train yourself to "listen" for these subtle signs of trouble, the better you will appreciate what's going on for other people. Listening for people's level of commitment, integrity, and character is a very useful skill. Listening for sincerity is also frequently handy.
These skills are not difficult to develop. But they do take practice and a considerable degree of effort to master. Sometimes it's simply a matter of not passing over obvious clues or inconsistencies because you don't want to hear them or because you'd prefer them not to be there.
KEY #7 Listen with optimism and positive human regard
Many people fall prey to negative thinking and feelings. When they communicate with others, these negative states come through, and they may even want others to sympathize with them and agree with their negative points of view.
Good listeners, however, often have the ability to listen to people "positively," despite their immediate negative state. "Oh, a tornado hit and destroyed your home and all your possessions-- what a tragedy--but at least you're still alive!" Or "Gee, that's awful, but don't worry--six months from now you won't even remember it happened."
You can listen to people communicate about a tragedy with a great deal of compassion. But you also can listen optimistically and with positive human regard for their inner strengths and human capabilities. Sometimes people are so entrenched in their negativism of the moment that they fail to focus on their positive human traits. As a listener, however, you can remind them of this positivity, provided you do it with tact, timing and sensitivity.
Reaching through all the dominant negativity to acknowledge people's positive core will often make them appreciate your support. Letting people know you know how courageous and capable they are, even in the face of extreme emergencies, is another way in which listening can be viewed as an active, purposeful process. Sometimes people will not be totally happy when you point to their positive potential. But many will appreciate the gesture of love and support and will be glad to have people like you in their lives. They will feel you connect with something deep within them, and they will value you for standing up for them, whether they consciously thank you or not.
Besides, when you make it a habit to stand up for people's positive potentials and qualities, you reinforce your own human capabilities. So the next time you fall prey to overwhelming negatively, you'll be able to listen to yourself with much more optimism and positive human regard.
Summary
Well, there you have them---seven keys to better listening that will win you friends, improve your marriage, boost your profits, and make people want to follow you anywhere!
7 Keys to Better Listening
  1. Listening is NOT a passive activity!
  2. Listen for unspoken fears, concerns, moods, and aspirations.
  3. Good listening requires great wisdom.
  4. Listen to others with respect and validation.
  5. Listen without thinking about how you're going to respond.
  6. Listen for tell-tale signs of impending trouble.
  7. Listen with positive regard for people's strengths & abilities.
Now, just because you know these seven keys doesn't mean you're always going to remember to use them. Lord knows, I forget them all repeatedly (so you don't have to call me to point this out).
But the more I reflect upon these 7 keys, and the more I try to use them on a day-to-day basis, the better a listener I think I become.
Keep them in mind and your own listening and relationship skills will improve over time.
Wishing you good health, happiness, and much success,
Mort Orman, M.D.
Copyright ©1995-2010 M.C. Orman, MD, FLP.